It has been about 5 weeks since I had surgery. My last post talked more about this, and even had gnarly pictures, to walk you through it. In this time, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Ok more like in the last 4 weeks. Ill be honest, I do not recall much from that first week. So if I talked to you, sent you a text, or an email, I am not fully responsible, for what I said, wrote or texted, unless it was Funny, Brilliant, or Awesome. That was all me, and not the pain killers.

So, ill skip ahead to the past 4 weeks. I have been home on disability fallowing Dr. orders as best I can. I have been going to PT once a week and doing my at home exercises every day. Along with those, I have created a core and upper body routine. I found a really informative book to guide me along the way. Cycling Anatomy by Shannon Sovndal,MD. I’m a visual learner, and the illustrations help, not only with the exercises, but knowing how they apply to you on the bike.

I have been guilty of neglecting my upper body in the past, and have been compared to T-Rex to many times. Just because, I too hate pushups, and have small feeble arms, that are best used at the computer, dose not make me a prehistoric carnivorous dinosaur. Although, I do love a good hunk of meat now and again.  But any ways, I got distracted, thinking of bacon. aaaaah bacon. What im trying to say is, with more time in the day to work with, it’s time to change this, and build a stronger core, and upper body, while I wait for the green light to get back to training on the bike.

This is the first time since I was 12 that I have had extra time to work with. (It’s hard for me to call it free time, as I feel like I earned it, and am paying for it in a way).

At first it was really hard for me to figure out what to do with my day. I needed to except that it was ok to do nothing, because that is exactly what I was supposed to be doing. But in order to do this, I needed to look at it differently. Not as doing nothing, but as resting, healing, and recovering. As soon as I was able to see it this way, it has been easier to be constructive, and not feel guilty. (It’s amazing what you can talk your self in to).

You see, I am a person that needs to stay in motion, working on something, towards an ultimate goal. This has not changed, I have simply altered my approach, and have been able to be more mindful and constructive, in this process.

Back to the past 4 weeks. On top of PT and working out, I have been in constant little torn muscle pain. Who knew working out a muscle group that has been neglected for so long could cause so much discomfort. It hurts to brush my teeth. And just to be clear, I have not gone over board, as I do every year, when I do a little cross training, and I think im still a runner,and then can not walk for a week. No, I have been smart about this. Im simply,well please refer to above image.

I have also been cooking and juicing a lot. And it’s been a great experience as many people have reached out to me wanting recipes. So in the next few posts I will be including some of my favorite juicing recipes, as well as soups, and other fun dishes I have been making.

I will also be sharing an announcement, of a great new partnership that is helping me through recovery!  So subscribe to my blog, message me, introduce your self if we have not met, and ask questions if you have them. Id love to know who my readers are, and connect with you more. So until the next post,(it’s coming soon) enjoy.

It is always my intention to update this. To share experiences, and tell stories. But intent is about as far as I get. This post is to get the ball rolling and to process some things, and get ready for some big changes. Hopefully this will not be as vague as Adam Myerson says my Tweets are.

Quick synopses of my 2011 race season.  First big race Merco. Felt like hell.Period.  I could not believe it I was being dropped and was in so much pain and in a bad, bad head space. What the hell is going on? I was instructed to not race the last day (road race) my favorite stage. Right hip was excruciating.

Jump ahead a few months. Time off bike PT, ciro work and a lot of soul-searching.

I’m in Philly climbing the wall with Giorgia Bronzini. I’m embarrassed to say I had no clue who she was when I raced against her in Belgium a few years back, but I sure did this time around. And yeah her eye brows even have muscles. I got a flat the second time up the wall chased back on through the caravan and stuck with the pack until the last fall from the wall where I was separated from the field after a crash in front of me. Finished the race disappointed, but a few months back I would not have dreamed of even starting this race, so kept that in mind.

Philly kicked off a tour of racing. Tulsa Tough and Tour of Americas Dairy Land.  I had good days and bad days and bad luck, but that’s bike racing. It was at TOAD where I found my legs and my confidence. Who would have thought that I would find it at a road race.

I was really nervous going in to this race. One, it was a road race, and at this point my hip really started to bother me if I was in the saddle for more than an hour. Also it had hills. Now don’t get me wrong I love to climb but not with others. It’s like when im out riding and im thinking “wow im going good right now, I feel really fast , and strong im making this mtn my minion”. Then some one goes flying by me nose breathing like im standing still. Yeah that’s what it’s normally like in a race. Well not this time. The last time up the climb I look back and I had to double take, and look back again. The field is split, and im with the lead group. “WTF? I’m with the lead group”. I keep my head down, and try to play it smart. Girls start fussing about and we get caught and my one focus is to not louse position.

A few days prior, I was having a chat with a sprinter I have a lot of respect for. We often duke it out for priems, and in the finish.

I felt like I had been banging my head against a wall the last few days in the sprints and I asked her how she does it? And she just said “It’s a sprint, to a sprint, to a sprint” It was as if a key turned in a lock.

Coming in to the final run, before the last left hand turn to the uphill sprint, elbows were flying people were putting them selves in places they should not be, and all I could hear were her words, repeating over, and over again in my head. I was continuing to move up, and the field was swarming up the left, and the right. I was on the right hand side, and I felt people trying to come up the right hand side of me I fought to keep moving forward over and over again until we made the left hand turn and I find my self crossing the finish line in 3rd behind Cari Higgins and Laura Van Gilder.

The remainder of the tour I had good days and a bit off days. I was in and out of the Green amateur Jersey, but lost it second to the last day. I had hopes to get it back on the last day, and have never raced a race, with so much focus and purpose. I came close to getting it back placing ahead of my competition in the finish, but could not gain enough points. This was very disappointing, but this was a great race for me, and an over all great experience.

Fast forward.

I really started to come around in form, focus and finishes, and had a great end to the season. I also had an answer to why I was in so much pain back in March and why my hip was always bothering me. It ranged from a constant dull pain to extremely sharp. I had an MRI and they found that I had a labral tear in my right hip. I went to PT twice a week for the remainder of the season. And it was manageable, but always there.

That brings us to the last few weeks.

After a few more Dr. appointments and procedures I am faced with the decision of  surgery.   Wishing some one could make this decision for me, I think I drove my Dr. crazy with questions. I understand his position on not being able to tell me to get surgery or not to, but he was able to say  ”he believes I am a good candidate for arthroscopic surgery and have a 70 – 80% chance of no pain in the future”. It’s better than where I am at now. SO…

Dec 11th I will be a year older and not looking forward to writing my new race age as it is always a year older than I am.
Dec 15th I will be going in for surgery and anticipate to be back competitively racing by April.
Dec 15th we will be signing a new lease on a house in Mill Valley.  And will be thanking my lovely boyfriend and the moving company for doing all the heavy lifting.
The remainder of Dec I will be hating crutches and looking forward to getting back on the bike.

The next few weeks I will be on the bike as much as possible having fun and putting in the miles. PT plans and preparation for recovery are in place.  With hopes to come back in 2012 stronger, and to quickly but appropriately return to Vanderkitten – Focus and join new and returning team mates.

So looking back on 2011 … I know it’s not new years yet and time to reflect but come on, I’ve had a lot to process and looking back helps, I can sum it up with two words in an Aussie accent. “Bloody hell”. It was one of my best years and worst years on the bike. It went by really fast and most of it is a blur, but some shining moments are so clear still, those moments make me feel accomplished and fulfilled, because I know I am putting my energy into the right places.  I have never been as focused as I am now and even though im facing surgery I do not feel defeated.

Surprise surprise. I did not post this right away and now it is Dec 19th. Yes that means I had surgery. I’n Short it went well! But that will have to wait until my next post. I promise it will come soon as i have a lot of free time on my hands now.

It’s hard to believe I am already a week in to a month of traveling around the country to race. Even though there is a lot of down time, it always feels like there is something to be done. Always preparing.

We’re currently sitting here in Tulsa waiting for 7:10pm to roll around when the Blue Dome crit goes off, the first of three races at Tulsa Tough. Our host house is quiet for the first time in a bit so im taking this opportunity to share last weekend’s race in Philly.

It was my first time racing at Philly. I have watched this race on TV, heard first and second hand accounts and dreamed of the day I would get to race it.

Leading up to Philly I was told stories of the Wall, Strawberry hill, and Lemon hill. Fear, excitement, worry, disbelief, and confidence were all emotions I had leading up to actually getting to see the course for myself. People love their stories. And we all know stories become grander as our memories of the actual event start to fade. So which stories was I to take as truth, and which were just a well told scary stories?

I arrive in Philly a few days before the race. I take this opportunity to settle in and ride a little a day before the short drive to the hotel we will be staying in for the next two nights. The day before the race, the team of  Jazzy, Emily, Vanessa, guest rider Nicky Wangsgard, and myself – plus director Jono Coulter pre-ride the course along with several other teams. Philly is a beautiful city, and the course is spectacular. I am excited for the opportunity to see the course at this pace because during a race I often miss the view…

We head out along the river and make our way towards the wall. I am told it’s not so much the wall but the lead up to the wall that gets you, and now I see why. It is a long a rolling drag through a super cute neighborhood soon to be filled with cheering fans. The long drag of 4 lanes narrows as we take a sharp right hand turn in to three lanes, then into another right hand turn onto a single lane road that quickly turns left in to the bottom of the wall. I try to take it at race pace speed to see what it will take out of my legs. The first part feels great, and think “not a problem.” But then I make a slight left and the road kicks up even more, and it is a long 18% or so drag up to the top where it continues on uphill not at 18%, but about the same grade as as the course grinds up towards the QOM line. I hit this second grade and think “OK, this is a bit harder, and I’m losing some steam, but still getting on well enough.”  I make it to the top and cross the QOM ( queen of the mountain!) line and  start the fall from the wall catching my breath, and shaking of the leg burn. Thinking the whole time, “That wasn’t so bad, well not so bad at my pace, but what if the pace is way harder?…  I was not in the red… what would happen if i was in the red? What will the pace be like? Will I be able to hang? If I get dropped can I catch back on, on this descent? Ah this descent is fast and fun!” Thoughts of the wall start to fall to the wayside as I navigate the bumpy fast fall from the wall.

Back at the hotel I was talking to some other girls who were talking about being nervous. I could honestly say I was not nervous. This surprised even myself. I felt fit on the pre-ride of the course, the wall was not what I had feared and Strawberry and Lemon Hill were both grades and lengths of climbs I could tackle.

This i knew. What was an unknown was how fit the competition was, how fast we would go, how hard it would be, and how I would measure up. With so many unknowns I could only think “I won’t know until I am in it, so what is the point or worrying?”

Morning came and I have to say the buzz and grandeur of it all was quite exciting. It took me back to racing in Belgium. Then seeing some familiar faces from when I raced there reminded me this is going to be something.

We line up. The field is stacked, and I’m still not nervous. What is wrong with me? We are off, the pace is fast but with this large of a field it is easy to stay protected. I concentrate on staying protected and staying calm and remind myself not to worry about moving up to early, as there is plenty of road to be traveled before the wall.

As we get closer you can feel the tension and the nerves in the field as we get closer to the wall, every one wanting to be first, and no one wanting to be last. I start out top 20 going into the wall. There’s a small crash at the bottom and Jazzy is taken out.

Hell.

I gain ground on some, and lose it to others, but stay with the pack first time around. I let the other teammates know Jazzy was down and looked ok, but not sure if she would make it back on. I wonder should I wait up to help her back on. That was not so bad, but not so easy either. I know the last lap will be a lot harder than this one, and  it might be a waste of effort. What if her bike was broken? I decided to keep going with hopes that this was the right decision.

The second time up the wall my front tire starts to go flat, “No, No, No, of all races, of all places, ( a few colorful words may have run through my head as well, but I will spare you)…” I put a hand up to signal to the moto that I have a flat and for the support vehicle to make its way up. I’m next to Vanessa and let her know. I think to myself it will take them some time to make it up to me, and I don’t want to try to start again on this hill, so I keep riding the flat to the top just before the QOM. I keep my hand up and keep looking back for the vehicle.

I spot the yellow of the Mavic Neutral support car. Girls are still rolling past me, but I may still have a chance to get back in the race. I get off my bike, pull off the front wheel, and before I know it I am back on the bike being pushed forward by neutral support, sprinting towards the fall from the wall. I catch on to a group of girls who have been dropped, and we work together to get back to the field. It was frustrating as hell because some girls knew what they were doing and were motivated, while others rode as if it were the first pace line they’d ever been in.

We spend the next lap working our way through the caravan, charge up Lemon hill, and as I’m cresting the top another girl had punctured and the Neutral support came to a dead stop in the middle of the road right in front of me as I’m out of the saddle sprinting to crest over the top of the hill. I react in time to turn and smear my self down the left side of their car keeping it upright and continue down the decent. How I did not just got through the back of the car is a small miracle.

Our small chase group becomes smaller as we make it back through the start/finish with two laps to go, and continue to make it through the caravan back into the field. I make it to the back and continue on up to the front until I find Vanessa and let her know I am back. She lets out an excited welcoming burst and I felt accomplished for making it back in. My race was not over.

But the wall was quickly approaching.

My legs are cramping and I am going backwards up the wall. We crest the top, and I find my self chasing again with a small group including Vanessa. This time the group works better together, and we work our way through the caravan again, and catch back on to the field again with one lap to go.

It’s the final time up the wall, and I go into it too far back and with not enough left in the legs. The field is shattered, and people are all over the place trying to chase back on. There is a small crash on the descent from the wall, and I lose contact with the field. I see any hopes of a finish with the field end at this time. But I continue to chase. I am in no man’s land, and can see a group ahead of me and a group behind me. I put my head down and keep going until I cross the finish line. Vanessa finishes just ahead of me in a group, and Nicky ahead of her. Emily was in the sprint but was pushed around and came in 16th.

I rolled across the line with out too much disappointment. I knew I fought hard but had some bad luck. I finished. My goal was to sprint; that I did not get to do, but I finished. Now I know what I’m in for next year.

It’s funny as I write this report of Philly race time is quickly approaching… Another story to tell, hopefully one of victory.

It has been quite a while since I have Bloged and updated you all on what has been going on in my racing career. As I am getting ready to travel all of next month with my team Vanderkitten- Focus to race Philly, Tulsa Tough and TOAD, I thought it was time to update my blog page and share the experience.  I use writing as a tool to process, and analyze.

I choose to do this publicly because it keeps me honest with my self  and it motivates me when things get tough, because people are watching, supporting and believing in me. I also would like to share my thanks and gratitude for all of those who support me now and have over the years. I am here to day because of all of you.